Are you constantly saying 'yes' until you're utterly drained, feeling like everyone else's needs come before your own? It's a silent epidemic: chronic people-pleasing. But here's the truth: constantly prioritizing others might not make you a better friend, partner, or colleague. It could be slowly eroding your well-being. Let's explore how to break free from this exhausting cycle and establish healthy boundaries that actually stick.
Many of us, especially with the demands of modern life – juggling work, relationships, and maybe even parenthood – feel pressured to take on more and more. Saying 'yes' seems like the right thing to do, a sign of being positive and supportive. Some people develop people-pleasing habits as a way to avoid conflict or gain approval, sometimes stemming from past experiences. While wanting to be agreeable is a good intention, consistently putting yourself last can lead to significant emotional distress. And this is the part most people miss: it's not about becoming selfish; it's about creating a sustainable and healthy balance.
To help us understand this complex issue and learn how to establish firm but fair boundaries, we've consulted two experts: Lisa McFarland, a seasoned life and relationship coach with seven years of experience (find her on Instagram @relationship.coaching.ni), and Dr. Michael Swift, founder of Swift Psychology in Birmingham, who has dedicated over a decade to psychology (@swiftpsychology.co.uk/michael-swift/).
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What exactly is people-pleasing?
Dr. Swift simplifies it perfectly: "People-pleasing is the compelling urge to prioritize the comfort or approval of others above your own needs." He elaborates, "At its core, it's a strategy to maintain harmony and connection, something we all value as social beings. For some, it develops early as a way to avoid conflict or win acceptance, and it can persist into adulthood even when it starts to cause harm. In moderation, kindness and flexibility are healthy; it's when they come at the expense of our wellbeing that the pattern becomes problematic."
The Hidden Cost: The Emotional Toll of Always Saying 'Yes'
Sacrificing your well-being for others has a significant emotional price. "Constantly agreeing to things can quietly drain us. It can leave us feeling resentful, unappreciated, or invisible - as though we're performing rather than participating in our own lives," Dr. Swift explains. "Over time, that can build into exhaustion or even burnout. The emotional strain comes from the internal conflict of wanting to be liked but needing rest, balance, and authenticity."
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Recognizing the Pattern: Are You a People-Pleaser?
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Distinguishing between genuine compromise and chronic people-pleasing can be tricky. Dr. Swift offers some telltale signs: "You might notice you apologise often, over-explain decisions, or replay conversations, wondering if you upset someone. These are clues that you're managing others' emotions more than your own." But here's where it gets controversial... Some might argue that a little sensitivity is a good thing. Where do you draw the line between empathy and unhealthy people-pleasing?
He emphasizes, "Awareness is powerful: once you start noticing the impulse to please, you can pause and ask, 'Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm afraid not to?' That simple reflection creates room for choice rather than habit."
Therapist-Approved Techniques to Break the Cycle
Lisa McFarland, drawing on her extensive experience in helping people manage their emotions, shares practical strategies: "The key to breaking the cycle of people-pleasing is creating space, a pause between the request and your response. That moment gives you time to check in with yourself before automatically agreeing." She provides a helpful example: "You can do this by saying something like: 'Can I just double-check that date?' or 'There's something in my head about that week, can I confirm and get back to you?' These small pauses buy you the time to consider: Do I genuinely want to do this? Will I be doing it with a happy heart?'"
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"If the answer is yes, that's wonderful, because you're acting from authenticity, not obligation," she adds. "But if it's no, it's perfectly okay to say, 'Thanks so much for thinking of me, but that doesn't suit me this time.' That's not selfish; it's self-respect. People actually respond positively to clarity and honesty."
The Art of Saying 'No': Kindness and Confidence Combined
Building on the idea of saying 'no,' Dr. Swift advises a warm, brief, and clear approach. "You don't need to over-justify or apologise. Confidence comes from remembering that boundaries don’t push people away; they allow relationships to feel safe and respectful for both sides," he says.
The Festive Frenzy: Why People-Pleasing Peaks Around Christmas
The holiday season can be a perfect storm for people-pleasing, and Lisa explains why: "We're busier, surrounded by family expectations, social invites, and cultural pressure to make everyone else happy. Saying 'yes' can feel easier in the moment than navigating guilt or potential disappointment."
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"I remember once being asked to bake 50 chocolate chip cookies for a Christmas fair. Without hesitation, I said, 'Of course!' even though I had no time. My friend beside me simply said, 'I'm too busy to bake, but I can donate £10 instead.' I was amazed. It was polite, clear, and kind, and everyone respected her for it," Lisa recalls.
"That experience taught me that setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult; it makes you authentic. So this Christmas, pause before you agree to anything. Ask yourself, will this bring me joy, or just exhaustion? If it's the latter, give yourself permission to politely decline with warmth, honesty, and respect."
Prioritizing Yourself: Ditching the Guilt
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"Caring for yourself is not selfish; it's essential," Dr. Swift insists. "When you rest, set limits, or protect your energy, you’re sustaining the version of you that others value most. I often remind clients that guilt isn't proof you’re doing something wrong, it's just a sign you’re breaking an old pattern. Over time, self-prioritisation becomes less about exclusion and more about balance."
What are your experiences with people-pleasing? Do you find it harder to say 'no' to certain people or during specific times of the year? Share your thoughts and strategies in the comments below!
